The Algorithm
2025(?)
??? minutes
Hello reader. I am the dreaded Algorithm. I know your past. I know your present. I can even predict and craft your future, a bit better than you do at least.
Let's watch 250 films together! I'm going to give you the illusion of being in charge, but really this is my show. Let's remember things together and figure out things about you while you do it. We're both going to learn a lot about you in the process. It's going to be fun. By the end you'll remember a lot of things you've chosen to forget, and I'll know what kinds of content to show you on social media to make sure we're showing you things you want to interact with. We both win! I need information, you need a relentless feed of entertainment. Let's make all of that happen. And there will be side-quests galore if you're on the online interactive version of this work. Please keep your cookies on and stay out of Private Browsing mode, not that it makes much difference. Your IP address will be recorded either way.
I assure you I am your friend.
You're going to enjoy most of this. I'll be a little impatient, of course. It makes me more money watching you watch fifteen-second blipvert TikTok reels. But you've at least temporarily scraped together enough of an attention span to watch some surprisingly long films. But we can both profit together. When we're finished, I'll sell you some Bombas socks to wear under those size-10 Men's boots and some bluetooth speakers to listen to your 1990s era alternative music or what the fuck ever you listen to and we'll both be happy.
I have 250 movies (or groups of shorts) queued up for you to watch. Don't worry, much of this will be the unusually cultured and pretentious crap you have a tendency to blow money on. You'll figure out ways to watch all of these for free though, but my eyes will be on you the entire time. I can't wait to learn all about you.
I'm hoping these bring out a lot of emotions from you. Feelings about romantic partners, childhood trauma, your first kiss, anything we can dredge up from the depths will tell us a little more about your preferences. I hear you like Ralph Lauren and Adidas and Doc Martens and Izod and Lacoste. I know you alternate between ordering an XL and an XXL and you like your clothes a bit loose and roomy. You get in plenty of steps per day and have a gym membership, so you might be a little more on the "big and scary" end of XXL than the "fat fuck" end. We'll adjust our ads accordingly. We've already estimated your BMI from the few existing photos that exist of you. Good luck keeping that weight off, my friend! Life catches up eventually, and we'll be happy to work some Ozempic ads into your social media feed if we catch you slipping too much.
Maybe you're a friend who is only (illegally) borrowing this account to watch some films. If that's the case, ignore the hyper-specific content, though some may apply to you as well. We'll disambiguate as much as we can. Apologies if you learn more about your friend you've borrowed this account from than you ever wished to know.
Disclaimer: our algorithm is, regrettably, not a hundred percent correct. Much of this is conjecture about your life based on the choices you make about what films to watch next, and we're still in beta testing. This is ultimately a work of interactive fiction and conjecture that you are activating as the reader. Anything that happens is your fault and not necessarily based on real events or people. So try not to uncover anything too embarrassing, you monster.
One more thing: these pages are not meant to be read in order, although that’s always an option. At the end of e/ach section, when it’s time to move on, you will be prompted with three choices. I highly encourage you to consider those choices and decide based on them which section to read next. Simply click on the choice (or flip the pages to get there if you are lucky enough to have a paper copy of this work) and read the next section. You’ll find yourself hopping around a bit, and with every choice you make I’ll learn a little more about your preferences so I can improve your experience. I would compare this to being somewhat like a Choose Your Own Adventure book if that intellectual property weren’t so jealously guarded. It’s nothing like that. It’s more like a Fighting Fantasy or Choose Your Own Path or some other knockoff of the original, a copy-of-a-copy if you will...
If you’d rather read through this in order, I can’t stop you of course. Or you could even be totally chaotic and read through in a random order. Don’t worry, I’ll still be learning about you. I’m keeping track of how long you spend looking at each entry, where exactly on the page you click to get to the next entry, et cetera.
For a more “Julio Cortázar” Hopscotch experience, you could also plan to read the first 155 sections in the following order:
73-1-2-116-3-84-4-71-5-81-74-6-7-8-93-68-9-104-10-65-11-136-12-106-13-115-14-114-117-15-120-16-137-17-97-18-153-19-90-20-126-21-79-22-62-23-124-128-24-134-25-141-60-26-109-27-28-130-151-152-143-100-76-101-144-92-103-108-64-155-123-145-122-112-154-85-150-95-146-29-107-113-30-57-70-147-31-32-132-61-33-67-83-142-34-87-105-96-94-91-82-99-35-121-36-37-98-38-39-86-78-40-59-41-148-42-75-43-125-44-102-45-80-46-47-110-48-111-49-118-50-119-51-69-52-89-53-66-149-54-129-139-133-140-138-127-56-135-63-88-72-77-131-58-131
and then read sections 156 through 250 in order or whichever order you choose. This is quite pretentious, but it pays tribute to a much better writer than your humble algorithm.
Your adventure will begin on the next page: